In 1999 I did not like Ballads or Boyzone, let alone a Boyzone-spawned boyband singing a ballad. Hell, I didn’t even like the Backstreet Boys back then. I liked songs like this. It’s ok - I’m… *sob* fine now. FINE I TELL YOU.
Thankfully now we are in the correct century my Mumpop Mojo is stronger than you could possibly imagine. The mere thought of Will Young singing to his pet hamster reduces me to tears (different tears from the last paragraph). But that’s not to say a good strong beat isn’t important, and I am worried that over the course of this project Westlife will come a cropper on the BPM front. They are not exactly going to compete with my favourite song of 1999, which (at the time) was this. Neither are the Westlife any good at co-ordinated movement, dubstep breakdowns or saying ‘fuck’ in an amusing way - all standard elements of amazing pop music. Are they buggered before we’ve even started?
Therefore, to try and be as fair to the Wezzas as possible, let’s draw up some basic Mumpop criteria:
- A hook you can still hum after the song finishes
- Harmonies that can make fallopian tubes tie themselves in knots
- Mention the title of the song in the lyrics
- Lyrics you could sing to yourself even if your toddler is within earshot
- First Dance At Wedding Potential
I will also be on the lookout for the following in their videos:
- Confirm/deny hand gestures (or its close relative ‘grabbing air and pulling towards chest’)
- Getting up off a stool and/or sitting back down again
- Wearing a big long coat and/or polo neck jumper (or general M&S For Men catalogue)
- Looking down at feet then sharply looking up at the panning camera in a serious manner
Hopefully I am not damning Westlife with low expectations here. Let’s say that I will be pleasantly surprised if there DOES happen to be a song about aliens or how fun heroin can be*. I will be as open-minded as possible!
Now that’s sorted, on with the songs!
*Hey kids! Heroin isn’t fun! Glad we’ve cleared that up.
Some say Westlife’s songs are shit.
Some say Westlife’s songs all sound the same.
Some say Westlife have sold 44 million records.
These facts may or may not be true (though the last one does have a citation on Wikipedia) but for such a successful band, it’s certainly the case that Westlife do not get a bite at the critical apple. It’s not that music critics give them bad reviews - they do not get reviewed at all!
I intend to change this, and find out for myself whether Westlife are a big bag of shit or not. However I meant to start this project three years ago so we shall see how far I get.